Have you ever felt like you lived a double life? You know, being all happy and smiling on the outside but feeling completely different in the inside on some issues? Lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling, and no one around me has saw through my disguise. I have perfected it from some times now but still, most of the time on some issues, it doesn’t really show that I’m feeling different than what I show. I don’t really know why I hid it anymore, I just do. I guess I don’t want to make people uncomfortable because lots of people around me are like walking on egg shells when kids or babies or pregnancies are discussed. And since I don’t want people to tip toe with me, I talk about it like it isn’t a big deal but inside, my heart is shrinking, like it’s a tiny piece of me disappearing little by little.
I have had another negative pregnancy test. Yup, isn’t it great? People around me have been asking how I was taking the news of not being pregnant again. They know I am not celebrating inside but I feel like I’ve become better at really hiding how I feel. I don’t really know how to act about it anymore to be honest. I know some people are probably thinking I’m subscribing to self pity because I like it or because I want to attract attention. I’m not telling them that I just feel like staying home and cry all day or just that I can look at the negative test like it’s an enemy or someone that’s hurting me on purpose. No, I’m going to work and I actually sometimes forget for a minute that I feel like a complete failure. But then, when things get quiet, I start thinking about it again and I just feel like crying.
I sometimes think about all the kids out there that are mistreated, abused or not loved as they deserve and I think, why can’t I provide something for those? Why can’t I be a little light in their life? Sometimes I want to believe that someday it’ll happen to me but sometimes I wonder if the universe forgot I was available to love a child. You know, like there would be a list of parents available and there would be a distribution or a match for families. I saw a show when I was younger about that. Kids were all blue and waiting on snow flakes to go on those big slides to arrive in parents lives. They were like, yay my mommy and daddy are waiting for me, here I go! Sometimes some kids would come back, being sick or dying too young and wait again to come back in someone else’s family. Maybe I need to work on some stuff in order to have a little blue baby sliding from the sky to be in my life, maybe right now there’s something I am or do or not to or am not that keeps this baby from coming.
But of course, I don’t know what that thing is…. Until then, I’ll try to keep going, keep believing, keep trying so that I am a little bit more like I try to seem to everyone else.