Waiting, hoping, wishing

Some days it’s harder to be in the position of waiting, hoping, wishing when each an everyone around you is either pregnant, have children or just delivered their baby. I am trying to smile hard, really hard but it gets harder and harder with times. I get frustrated of the pity smiles I get when people feel bad to tell me they’re pregnant. My friends from university, my family, my close friends, every time I get news from someone I haven’t talked to in a while, that’s the news I get : “ I’m pregnant!! ” It gets harder to be happy for other people, call me selfish, but that’s the honest answer. I know I may be hard to follow since I sometimes say I want for people to listen but I’d like sometimes for nobody to know I have fertility problems or for nobody to know I want to form a family so bad. I sometimes think it would hurt less or it would be easier not having all the questions, the theories, and the pity of everyone… I know friends and family are supposed to be your support system but sometimes it’s just hard to talk about it with people that don’t really had any difficulties to understand how hard it can be. I often cry alone in my living room when no one’s around and wonder if I’ll ever have the chance to have someone who calls me mommy…

I’m a guidance counselor so, a lot of times at work, I have to listen to people that had problems I never had and help them the best I can. I usually believe that I can try and be close to understand a lot of issues people either went through or are going through but conceiving is in another dimension. For me it’s like someone who always have been single and tried meeting people without succeeding. I had an ex colleague who found it very hard to be single in a couples world. Valentine’s day, the New Year’s Eve when everyone kisses their loved ones, traveling, lots of things are designed for couples in our society.  I listened to her, comforted her while she was crying but in a way I could totally relate to her story. I feel like an outsider in a family’s world. I didn’t get invited to the party even though I wanted in.

Being pregnant for me is part of a woman’s life and me not being able to conceive puts me in another category. Some women don’t want to have babies and that’s fine for them, but I sometimes feel less of a person, less of a woman because I can’t get pregnant.

When you look at all the marketing, the ads on tv or in magazines, it’s hard not to feel excluded of the “normality”. Having a husband, a career, a nice car, a family, all that is put out there like that should be everyone’s reality.

A lot of people around me know that 7 years ago I had a miscarriage that was kind of a life changing experience for me. It made me realize a lot of things about myself, where I wanted to go in my life, what I wanted and what I didn’t want anymore. In a way, today, I believe it was a good thing that it happened to me. I’m sure I wouldn’t have believed that at the time. It wasn’t with the right guy, neither was it the right moment in my life.  So, life was kind enough to tell me I could get pregnant but not right now (for those of you, who are curious, you can translate the lyrics of the song “Poussiere d’ange” from Ariane Moffatt which was the song I was listening to in loop when it happened and that can still make me cry today). But I sometimes wonder if it’ll be the only pregnancy that I’ll ever have the chance to have in my life… Will it be the only time? Is my uterus or my ovaries game over?

I have an appointment with my gynecologist and he’ll have results of all the blood tests I did and the semen analysis of my boyfriend too. All I hope for is an answer, some solutions or actions. Today, I made another pregnancy test since my last periods were in the end of august. Still negative…. So all I have left tonight is waiting, hoping, wishing…..

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