Starting a family

As I said in my first post, I got married last year. For me that was the true start of a family, the way I wanted it to begin. For me a family, whatever the size or the people in it, the age or the status, it starts by people loving each other and wanting a baby together. And I am lucky enough to have fond the guy I want to have a family with. I always wanted to begin trying for a baby after I got married and I thought it would be easy since I have tons of cousins, aunts and uncles with lots of babies and my husband comes from a big family also. That said, I had also went to the gym for a year to get healthy (also to look nice for the wedding I admit it) but mainly to help the process. I did all the things I thought could help me become pregnant.

And it didn’t happened… and still isn’t happening today…

I have a really weird cycle, my periods come once in a blue moon and it always been like that. I freaked out a gym teacher in high school asking him if it was bad not to have periods for so long. Which is really great when you’re not in the process of getting pregnant. But when you are trying to get pregnant, each period is one more chance you have. If you look at it mathematically, you get 12 chances every year if you have a 28 days cycle, I could be lucky if I had 3-4-5-6 ! But everybody around me said that it can take a while for a cycle to normalize itself after being on the pill, so I didn’t really worried at first. It took 3 months before I had my first periods when I started trying. I was like, wow it worked, I am pregnant. I had colleagues around me telling to slow down since we were moving stuff at work, I was really tired, I had some signs but all the tests I did were negatives. All I ever wanted that stick to show was (+)  and all I ever got was (-)  So I was always wondering, maybe I’m doing it too early, maybe I need to do it later, maybe I didn’t leave it in often enough, maybe the tests were expired, maybe the brand is crappy. Anything to explain why I wasn’t getting my periods. So 2nd month, 3rd month, still only (-) on the stick… So I was really wondering what was wrong with me? I wasn’t pregnant but I didn’t have periods either which was weird. It’s one thing to think your cycle is a little zoink but I didn’t have periods at all…

And that’s when I started talking about my feelings about the whole process to people around me. People were telling me it hasn’t been long enough since I started trying, that a doctor wouldn’t take me seriously if I went to the clinic, that it would work eventually, that I had to stay positive, that I should stop worrying, that I had to stop thinking about it, that I had to lift my legs up after, that I had to use ovulation tests to  monitor my cycle better, that I had to take my temperature as I woke up and look at the curb it did, that I had to have my husband eat quail eggs, that I had to try everyday, that I had to try every other day, that I had the same problem that they had and I would need this specific medication, that people were getting pregnant a long time after they stopped worrying and it would happen to me too, etc. All the tricks in the book were told by everyone who had an opinion. At first, I liked it because I was trying to find a way to make things happen, to do something to make it better, I tried almost everything people told me (not the eggs thought, haha!). I was telling myself that I was doing something wrong, it must be me ! But the result stayed the same every month and my periods were nowhere to be found…

I finally got them 82 days later, just a little before Christmas, what a nice present. You’d think I would be sad it happened then, but no, I was happy, I still had another chance to have a baby.

So here I was, with my hopes all up and ready to start again ! It took 21 days after that and I thought, that’s great, things are falling into order here ! But then 3 other months passed, lots of pregnancy tests and ovulation tests passed (or failed depends on how you see it) and still nothing… So, as people around me were asking again why I didn’t have babies yet since I was married now (like I would sabotage something I always fondly wanted). I talked again about how I felt and I got, again, lots of theories and remedies :

People were telling me it hasn’t been long enough since I started trying, that a doctor wouldn’t take me seriously if I went to the clinic, that it would work, that I had to stay positive, that I should stop worrying, that I had to stop thinking about it, that I had to lift my legs up after, that I had to use ovulation tests to  monitor my cycle better, that I had to take my temperature as I woke up and look at the curb it did, that I had to have my husband eat quail eggs, that I had to try everyday, that I had to try every other day, that I had the same problem that they had and I would need this specific medication, that people were getting pregnant a long time after they stopped worrying and it would happen to me too, etc.

Hmm… I started to see a pattern there but I was thinking people were trying their best to come up with a solution, so I listened.

So I went to see a doctor, and he told me to put my frown upside down and buckle up and keep trying but he thought also that it was weird that my cycle was that long so he sent me to a gynecologist. I waited 2 months to see him and he told me also that I was still young (I’m older than 30 so not in my opinion baby making wise…), that I had to stop worrying, that I should take this medication to induce my periods and to come back if I wasn’t pregnant in 6 months. So I did that, went to the gym, became part-time vegan to eat healthier (and I liked what I ate so I kept being one!) and still didn’t become pregnant. My periods were happening since I took something for that purpose but no baby in sight.

I started feeling really sad about all that. Since I started trying, at least 10 people around me got pregnant. Some people even bragged on how easy it was for them knowing my situation. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly, genuinely happy for all those people. Some of them were even trying for a long time, some were really close to me, some got it as a nice suprise so of course it was a good thing they didn’t have to go through what I was experiencing. But honestly, all I asked myself was, what am I doing wrong, what have I done not to deserve that kind of happiness too. And people started asking questions when they announced their pregnancy, at that point, I was almost crying when talking about it. And they answered :

It hasn’t been long enough since I started trying, that a doctor wouldn’t take me seriously if I went to the clinic, that it would work, that I had to stay positive, that I should stop worrying, that I had to stop thinking about it, that I had to lift my legs up after, that I had to use ovulation tests to  monitor my cycle better, that I had to take my temperature as I woke up and look at the curb it did, that I had to have my husband eat quail eggs, that I had to try everyday, that I had to try every other day, that I had the same problem that they had and I would need this specific medication, that people were getting pregnant a long time after they stopped worrying and it would happen to me too, etc.

Starting to get the picture here ? Every time I heard those answers all I felt was, it’s my fault, I’m the bad person that isn’t doing something or doing it too much or not enough…  It’s my fault, the problem is me. In all those things people said, the one thing that just kills me everytime is : Stop thinking about it. I tried visualization, I tried training harder to get the steam of the day off, I tried relaxation all those things, but stop thinking about it, no, I can’t. Again, the message I get from that tip is, you are not pregnant because of you, YOU !! And I’m tired of feeling guilty of doing something wrong. I am making everything in my power to have a baby because that’s something I truly want in my soul. So no, I don’t want to hear that, ever, not one time.

Let’s explain one thing to all the people out there. I won’t go in the details of the bees and the birds but biologically, having a baby requires a certain timing between swimmers and an egg. That timing is easy to plan when you have periods since it’s around 12-14 days before your periods. You see how long 3-4 cycles are and you do the maths easily. But how do you do that if you never know when your periods are coming, when your egg’s ready hmm ? You can’t, so you are with the constant impression that today could be the Ovum day.

People might think this issue is futile or boring but for lots of women out there, it isn’t. We feel ashamed of talking about it because some people see us as little picky girls who cry because they don’t get what they want fast enough or see us as robots who took all the feelings and the intimacy out of the process. Well no, we aren’t like that. So if you want to help someone who is going through that, why don’t you listen to her feelings that’s all that really matters, we just want an ear to listen so that we don’t feel alone in our situation.

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4 thoughts on “Starting a family

  1. Virtual *hugs* to you hon!! While I have not been through what you are, I *have* had multiple miscarriages and I know the pain of not getting to have the baby you desire. With my crazy body conceiving easily and then losing it just as easily, I have been down on myself at times as well. No, it definitely isn’t you. I’m sorry people can be so insensitive. I have a 12 year old, an 8 year old and a 1 year old. We get comments all the time about the thrid “Was he a “surprise”/”accident”?” 😦 No, he was very much planned and hoped and prayed for. We couldn’t help that it took so many years to have my body follow through with a healthy pregancy! Ya know?! It makes me crazy that people say whatever pops into their heads. GOD had a plan for our family and this is the age gap He wanted between our kids! Would *I* have chosen it? No way. But do I see the beauty of it now? Absolutely. *hugs* again to you. Sorry to write a book. 😉

  2. Don’t be sorry ! This conversation you just started is the reason I first started this blog and post. I have heard many girls feeling just as I am today and they feel bad when it’s not their fault. If it can help people that had difficult situations with conceiving or keeping a baby and felt less lonely then, I reached my goal. Thanks for your hugs and encouragements 🙂 One day I’ll post about actually being pregnant, and all this will have been worth or by writing about it, I’ll help others 😉

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